It’s been a few months since I got roped into playing this ridiculous but insanely popular game called pickleball.

I agreed to it as more of a social thing vs. being an activity I could get excited about and viewed it as something different for my wife and I to do together with friends to break the monotony of our usual social endeavors, typically sedentary in nature with the only action being the raising of glasses or utensils to our mouths.

Played on a shrunken tennis court with a nearly-dead, semi-hard plastic wiffleball and lightweight composite paddle, it comes with a peculiar set of seemingly arbitrary rules governing everything from angle and height of the paddle when serving, required number of bounces at different points in a volley and the “kitchen”, the sacred area around the net which must be stayed out of except to hit the ball on one bounce only with a rapid exit or it’s a foul. Keeping score also entails keeping track of which server is serving which supposedly helps keep track of player rotation and positioning after each volley. Way too much to digest but maybe the false complexity is intentional, so we took a couple of lessons to get that nonsense drilled into our not so welcoming brains.

I grew up playing paddleball and got pretty good at slamming a lively, hard little ball against a wall at all angles with varying degrees of power and finesse to either jam up my opponent or place it where it was unreachable, with killers providing the ultimate adrenaline rush. In recent years goggles, gloves, sweat bands and the occasional brace or Ace bandage, when added to the profuse sweating, made it clear I was participating in a competitive activity. And tearing my Achilles tendon while playing being an unintentional and brutal exclamation point. With that experience I figured this pickleball stuff would be a piece of cake, especially with my blasé attitude about it. And I always have confidence in my skills when I step onto a court…confidence I’d win was not certain as there was always the first impression of the physicality and potential skills of the other team.

But pickleball is another story. Although I’m capable of volleying, scoring points, managing my kitchen trips and usually keeping score correctly, I just don’t have that killer instinct. Maybe because I’m playing with my wife and friends, maybe because I’m just not into it…not sure. But I play, sweat a little and have a few laughs. A nice social experience as I intended it to be. And there are usually cocktails and food afterward so playing is effectively our pre-game.

One of my old friends, a long-time paddleball and racquetball player, recently dragged me down to open play in a nearby park where the other court inhabitants, despite the lack of any physically intimidating presence, were likely more experienced. But despite my lack of experience I firmly believed my physicality and exertion of my will would enable me to compete if not prevail, a bit arrogant but WTF… a little arrogance (fuck confidence) is necessary for success in almost anything. 

Was I dead fucking wrong….

We got clobbered twice and were barely competitive in a third game. And then I hurt my knee chasing that dead fucking ball which was even more embarrassing, playing a stupid fucking game touted as one “anyone can play”. I tried to walk it off and sat out for a while, after which I hobbled back out and played with a random guy against an older couple who looked like they just climbed off an embalming table and got crushed again.

I couldn’t believe or accept it. I was embarrassed and furious. I lost to them??? What a headfuck….

I stumbled home and decided to continue to have fun with my wife and friends but sharpen my knives and skills and get my mental state straightened out for the next park visit.

No more nonchalanting, no more unwarranted arrogance and no more judging books by their cover….just quietly go for the kill. The old, beat-up looking ones cause the most pain when they hit you.

And maybe I’ll don that Ace for my still-aching knee, and for old time’s sake see if it helps my head as well.